One day I was fine; life was wonderful, taking a few pounds here and there. I mean, I could work it off, but then it happened. Out of nowhere in my sleep, I jumped up from my bed, clutching my chest. I was having a heart attack; well, that is what it felt like, and there was nothing no one could do to stop what was happening to me. The following morning, I could not shake what was going on. For the first time in my life, there were no words. I sat at the kitchen table, staring off into the ceiling. Feeling wonderful was gone. The anger and frustration showed up overnight, and it was real. What the hell was happening to me?
So, I overcooked the eggs, and the toast and bacon cooked longer than I wanted to. That was no logical reason to be so enraged, but I was. Over a few months, I started to complain about everything and everyone. Don’t leave the car keys on the table or the glass on the counter. I was a real you-know-what. Hell, I got to where I did not want to live with myself. My husband and son walked around the house like it was DEFCON 1 cause they knew mama was going blow no matter what it was.
After a few weeks, things calmed down, and although I was angry all the time, I was able to control it because I did not want to go anywhere. I stuck around the house like a piece of furniture. Life was feeling okay again, and then I started feeling hot and cold and not just a little hot or cold. Oh gosh, those darn hot flashes would come on and hit me like a sniper attack in the middle of the night. I was never prepared for them ever. I would sit there and take deep breaths, “Nobody touch me, please,” is what I would say. My husband sometimes liked to snuggle, but I told him the snuggle days were over, all due to those hot flashes. He would have to catch me on my cold days, those days when no one is cold but me.
Everything kept me on edge, and anxiety showed its ugly head. It made me feel crazy. My heart started racing, eyes bucking out of my head, speaking like an auctioneer and adding to that heart palpitations and hot flashes. I was a mess and did not think it could worsen until the vaginal dryness, itch and no desire to have sex, not even kissing. “No, no, don’t touch me,” I sing that every day and night. I felt bad for my husband. After all, I could not explain why I felt the way I did at the time because I still had my menstrual cycle. Why won’t anyone tell us this is going to happen? Just say, when menopause comes for you, girl, you are going to feel like you are crazy if not losing your darn mind. Your heart will race for no reason at all, and you can kiss your sex life goodbye.
For now, I can say menopause has been pursuing me heavily, and I don’t know what is next. I am just going to own it because this is what a woman goes through. You will come out of the crazy and survive menopause. My life has changed, and every day I am learning how to live and love again with menopause in my life. Menopause has left me with no desire for intimacy and keeps me all in my head. Multi-tasking, something I did well, is now a trigger for anxiety. I have my touch and no-touch days with my husband unless I am in the hot zone of hot flashes. Every day is about balance. I realized I am not the first woman going through menopause or perimenopause and will not be the last so allow me my crazy moments while it’s bringing the heat because I got this now.
Add Comment